You changed yours a lot! I totally was into your spreads BEFORE you retouched them. I think you're being too obvious now. Before, it was somewhat abstract with some of the spreads. For example, I recall the spread with the full pattern (photo 9 & 10) with no description of what the objects were. I absolutely loved it before with no text. (Perhaps you changed it when Clane said something to you last class?)
In the Gary spread, you wrote, "He approached to me..." You can erase the "to" so it reads, "He approached me..."
In the Story #5, it says, "I come to L.A..." It's "I've" instead of "I". Same with the "I've come to Hollywood."
In the very first spread, you named out the races you see on Sunset Blvd. "White, Asians..." You might want to change "Blacks" to "African-Americans". It's politically correct in this society so it's better to be safe than sorry. You never know what people might think since we are Asians ourselves.
Other than that, everything looks great. I enjoyed reading through all of your spreads. I'm curious what everybody else has to say about your work.
OH! Your photo and my photo didn't turn out so well. The position of our bodies weren't consistent with everyone else's. I'll bring my camera Monday and reshoot you. Wear something nice.
where you have the "pattern of the seat" and "screw of the window", why don't you just leave it at "seat" and "window". The reader can already see its a pattern.. why mention that. its more abstract and more interesting if you don't spell everything out.
i think the spreads are looking great and i love the water color. the spread with gary has the most color in it.. and it stands out a lot. is there a reason??? if there isn't maybe you should have another spread or two with that much color.
tracy, aside from the other comments, here are a few that i found:
page 1: should be "Cordon" not "Cordorn" page 2: a comma after "Black" you have a period page 2: should be "On the No. 2 bus" not "on No.2 bus" page 8: should be "never emailed me" not "email me" page 15 & 16: you can just say "on pole" instead of "on the pole"
aside from that, everyhting is looking great. the only thing i question is the writing on pgs 9 and 10. I don't know if you need them.
Hey Tracy,
ReplyDeleteYou changed yours a lot! I totally was into your spreads BEFORE you retouched them. I think you're being too obvious now. Before, it was somewhat abstract with some of the spreads. For example, I recall the spread with the full pattern (photo 9 & 10) with no description of what the objects were. I absolutely loved it before with no text. (Perhaps you changed it when Clane said something to you last class?)
In the Gary spread, you wrote, "He approached to me..." You can erase the "to" so it reads, "He approached me..."
In the Story #5, it says, "I come to L.A..." It's "I've" instead of "I". Same with the "I've come to Hollywood."
In the very first spread, you named out the races you see on Sunset Blvd. "White, Asians..." You might want to change "Blacks" to "African-Americans". It's politically correct in this society so it's better to be safe than sorry. You never know what people might think since we are Asians ourselves.
Other than that, everything looks great. I enjoyed reading through all of your spreads. I'm curious what everybody else has to say about your work.
OH! Your photo and my photo didn't turn out so well. The position of our bodies weren't consistent with everyone else's. I'll bring my camera Monday and reshoot you. Wear something nice.
See you Monday Tracy. Hope this helps.
hey tracy!!!
ReplyDeletein addition to dereks corrections:
where you have the "pattern of the seat" and "screw of the window", why don't you just leave it at "seat" and "window". The reader can already see its a pattern.. why mention that. its more abstract and more interesting if you don't spell everything out.
i think the spreads are looking great and i love the water color. the spread with gary has the most color in it.. and it stands out a lot. is there a reason??? if there isn't maybe you should have another spread or two with that much color.
see you on week 12! :)
tracy,
ReplyDeleteaside from the other comments, here are a few that i found:
page 1: should be "Cordon" not "Cordorn"
page 2: a comma after "Black" you have a period
page 2: should be "On the No. 2 bus" not "on No.2 bus"
page 8: should be "never emailed me" not "email me"
page 15 & 16: you can just say "on pole" instead of "on the pole"
aside from that, everyhting is looking great. the only thing i question is the writing on pgs 9 and 10. I don't know if you need them.
thanks guys!!!!!!
ReplyDeletehelps a lot
i'll make the corrections!